bah

So apparently someone made a comment to my boss about my GF coming down to the office and chatting with me. It isn't like its a closed place or anything or that there arent lots of people in here. There is huge window on the main wall, and ths door stays open. But meh. . .so, she's allowed to visit, just not stay a long time. . . . . . .whatever that means. I am sick of Christian College rules. Seriously.

We needed to run down the road a ways to get my car because I parked at the other end of campus and we were going to take my roommates car. But no, we couldn't do that because we can't be in the same car together. So we had to walk. Walking doesn't bother me, but she was going to be late for work, and we needed to get going. . .and then we have a stupid rule.

And now, she can't come do her homework here, or just chat. I'm sick of this place. She just showed up. She doesn't want to go home. . . .It doesn't make sense either. I can go workout, play ball, run on the treadmill. I just can't sit in the hall with my gf? Apparently not.

This is going too make this whole semester entirely too long. I work every night, and she was planning on coming to visit. Now, she probably won't be playing VB with us either b/c she won't have anywhere to go for that 1-1.5 hrs before we start.

Bleh! That ruined my night. I was all excited because we have VB tonight. I'm hungry now too.

Why did I come to school again? Wasn't it for a wife? Really? I suppose a degree was part of it. But now that I realize the value this degree actually has, it is kinda discouraging.

VB should be fun tonight. We have 6-8 coming. I hope. It isn't a matter of people wanting to, just a matter of them remembering.

I get bonus points if I study Greek 6 hours a week. Now with all the homework I have I thought that would be easy . . . I'm still two hours short. And I need them in tonight. I do have a quiz to study for. but if I start doing next week's homework then I will have less time spent next week. I'll be fine....eventually its going to be harder homework and it will take 6 hours....I hope?

So she brought me some spaghetti, and pudding, and bread, and carrots, and cookies. It was a good dinner. Yes, she is spoiling me....but she's allowed to.

I need $10k. That would make half the worries I have go away. . . . . .well, maybe more than that. The other half is annoying, but they aren't monetary which means I they have other solutions. Most of my problems are monetary, however. Car, ring, wedding, honeymoon, loans, rent, food, books. . . .etc.

After thinking about it....I'm not going to play the lottery. Yes, I know, you are all disappointed, but I figure I just won't do it. Even though, I could win 283 mil by just buying 1 ticket. No, I'm not going to do it.

Sooooooooo, how do I get some money? I put some apps in. Now I wait. . .I wanted to type "I just don't want to worry anymore." but then I thought...I shouldn't be worrying anyway. Yes, I should trust God to provide for my needs. But then I wonder at what point are these things needs? Yes, I want to get her a nice ring, and have a nice wedding. . .but is that a need? Because then I worry. So, is the money for the ring I want a need? I am supposed to wait on God's timing. If I don't get the money, then does that mean we postpone the wedding? I doubt we would do that. If we have no money, we just cut back on what we want.....but it isn't as if we want something extravagant. Just something nice. So....maybe I'm just supposed to go to Covance and maybe that will all work out and then I won't be wondering anymore. right? Sure.

My brother hasn't called me in forever. He said he was going to. . . .

My problem: All his life have I looked away... to the future, to the horizon. Never my mind on where I was. Hmm? What I was doing. Hmph.

This is true. I dont ever remember being happy where i was.....i was always waiting to be happy....i hated school but I did it because I needed to prepare. Same with college. Now Grad school. I'm sick of preparing.....I want to live. but in all that time, I never really enjoyed life. =/

I mean I had fun. I did enjoy stuff...but I spent my days daydreaming about the future. I spent college just wanting to be done. The thing is, that I do enjoy life more now. . .but I hate restrictions. When I start enjoying life and then get told "no, there is a rule" I just want to move past the rules. Days off were good not because I could do something, but because I didn't have to do something I didn't want to do.

There were things I enjoyed. SWCCG. I loved spending time with my cousins and brother. I loved the 4th and Christmas. But the more I enjoyed them, the more I disliked everything else. I just wanted to do those things again. Then it was WoW. I enjoyed WoW for a while.

Now I'm in love. Its more than playing cards or video games. I'm tired of looking forward all the time. I love spending time with Kaylynn. We have fun. We enjoy each other's company. I don't feel I need to move on from the moment, until its over, and I think that if we were not "here" it wouldn't have to be over. I feel like I live in "highs" and "lows" and am not steady. I don't remember thinking my parents were like this. It just seemed that they were used to life. . .is that what happens? You just get used to life? I don't want to get used to dealing with all this. I don't want to deal with it. I look at "adults" and I see things I don't want. And I wonder why they would want it, then I think that of course they don't, and I wonder how they can be happy. Then b/c I can't figure that out I assume they aren't. And then I tell myself I don't want to end up like that. Maybe they are happy though?

Some people have jobs they love. They wouldn't be doing anything else. Then there are other people; they can't stand their jobs. Then you hear messages: "If you are doing what you should you will be happy." Well, of course you will be happy. . .but does that mean that you are going to have to take a job you hate? I know lots and lots of people who have had jobs they hated doing. I don't want to dread going to work. It scares me that I'm going to for the rest of my life. I know that's worry too. . . . . . . . .I'm trying, but its hard.

Joseph was in prison. Did he like it, or was he just content? Jesus was scorned and mocked. Did he like it, or was he content? So, apparently you don't have to like it....but if you are content then I would guess you can't "hate" it. right? I really don't know about the evangelists who happen to be uber rich who get up and preach that God won't make you do something you don't want to do. Where in Scripture do you find that?

I'm in Jeremiah and Ezekiel. Jeremiah did not WANT to do what he was told to do. In fact he says this upwards of 8 different times in the book. He had a very hard job and he did not enjoy it.

Now I think to myself: Dave, you decided you weren't going to settle. You knew what you wanted in a wife and you prayed and God gave you the perfect girl. So, just believe that God want you to be happy and cares for you and pray for what you want. Have faith.

So, at what point can I pray that God will give me the job I ask for, and actually believe I'm going to get it? I did, and I got Kaylynn. But what clicked with me this last year is all the people I see settling for a mate, and I realized I didn't have to do that -- that God would provide.

My gf tells me that I'm too depressing sometimes. I felt like Toby Ziegler. = / The thing is, I see that I can be. I am cynical.

Back on topic. For me to come to the same realization about a job would mean I must conclude that the people I have known throughout my life that have had jobs they didn't like, lacked the faith to get the job they really wanted. But from Jeremiah we just concluded that God doesn't always give people what they want.

Are we now talking will/plan? If I hadn't prayed about it as fervently and supposing the plan was different could I have ended up with someone else because I lacked the faith to get the perfect person? Would I still have been happy? As happy?

So, now I'm saying Jeremiah lacked the faith. But he wasn't really even in a similar situation. He was called and said he couldn't, God said he could, and so he did. Then he would complain about it throughout the years.

Btw, if you have answers, call me or e-mail me. Or post snide remarks.

I miss my gf. Maybe she'll call soon.

I'm meeting with a pastor Saturday monring. We are hoping Kaylynn can get out of the house so she can be there too. . .but we aren't sure she'll be able to get out. Then we are planning on talking to her parents Sunday afternoon. Pray for us, please.

I'm pretty much assuming now that I'm supposed to go to Covance. I wasn't sure for a while, but the more I think about it the more I think I'm supposed to go. So, I'm going to try to get a little bit ahead on some stuff so I don't have to worry too much while I'm gone. I'm going to miss 5 days of Greek. Everything else I can pretty much handle without a problem. Pray that I get in please.

gtg, bye. 9:10