to blog again

My uncle blogged today. It is his brother's birthday. I have always had a hard time dealing with the subject. It was very hard on all the family, and I figured I had no right to say anything or to be too upset when there were others that it effected more than myself. So, I don't talk about it. I never thought it fair to say how much it bothered me. It did. I never cried so hard in all my life. I remember wishing it had been me. I didn't get it.

I don't know if I just wanted there to be a special connection or if there was, but I could always talk to Dan. It was easy. We talked about anything. Things I didn't talk to other people about. Family things would come up and there were times when he made a point to take me with him. We went to the store or the airport. It didn't matter; it meant a lot to me. I trusted him, and even though I was just a kid he acted like we were on the same level. . .both adults.

My brother and I would spend days and days with our uncles. Playing Dinosaurs in the basement. Dan was an ankylosaurus. Playing choppers in our backyard. Playing on the tree swing or the rope ladder. Playing darts in the living room with the wheelbarrow. I remember them getting permission to sit with us in church. I was the oldest, but I had two older brothers. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

It is still hard to think about. I still fight crying. What matters is that God is good. I'll see Dan again. I am bewildered at how the lost can deal with life/death. They can't obviously. It explains the alcohol, drugs, etc etc.

God is good, and His mercy endureth forever. Amen.