a short story

Ok, I'm pausing the streamlining thing. I recently was asked if I wanted to join this writing email club thingy where we write short stories or excerpts and send them around to the others to get ideas and critiques etc. Well, I hadn't written anything fictional/fantasy since maybe a dragon and knight story back in my early teens. I have written papers, just not stories. I decided I would give it a shot since I'm working on a plot, and it would not be good to have a plot and then find out I can't actually write. I wrote a story and sent it out, but haven't heard back on it yet, which is understandable, but I'm impatient and so I'm posting it here too. Some of you will not like it. Some of you will wonder at my PoV. Fine. Those are the comments I'm looking for. I really just want someone to say something about it. If it stinks, tell me. If you liked it, tell me why, if not, why? So, without any more ado, I give you my short short story (only a little over 4 pages).



Elrich trudged through the marsh. The small radius of light emanating from his torch served only to keep the swarms of marsh flies from enveloping his sight. He had been bitten the first day; he had known there would be no return at the outset. He had been brave for his wife’s sake. He had been courageous for his country’s sake. He would bring peace to them.

The war had ravaged the land beyond hope of repair. Perhaps, his yet unborn child would see fruit once again– only if he succeeded in his current task.

The Grakesh had attacked without warning, driving the nations into panic. They had descended from the mountains, and swept through the scattered villages. Besieged castles fell, and all thoughts of survival dwindled. As the refugees gathered at the ancient temple of their gods, the remaining armies clashed with futile efforts.

It was at this forsaken moment that a Grakesh general, Taopold, first spoke to the nations’ armies. He bid them send a message to the Circle of the Aged. He spoke of a strange disease of the plains that had run rampant through the Grakesh camps and ravaged his people. He wished them to send an ambassador to what he called the Council of the Sun, the Grakesh leaders. His people were proud he said. They could not be seen to offer peace, but if peace were offered to them, they could accept. They would accept. The Grakesh were in dire straights and if this war did not end, they would all die. From their safety in the ancient temple the Circle feigned strength. They spoke of needing time to discuss this request.

However, the Circle did not deliberate long on the news. Their prayer had been answered, and it was with all haste that they searched out the envoy to send – someone with strength remaining, they could not seem weak; someone with a reason to end the war, someone willing to sacrifice for something he found dear.

Of course, Elrich had been the perfect candidate. They had approached him appealing to his sense of duty, his sense of honor, his courage, and the future his unborn child could expect if no one answered this call. His heart told him to let someone else give his life– he would spend his last days, few as they might be with his wife; he would feel her embrace each night. He would see the birth of his child; he would hear his child’s cry. He would defend them with his last breath, and they would die together.

His mind told him he must go. He knew the moment he heard the rise of commotion and the scattered whispers that they were coming for him. The offer from the Grakesh, and the notice of the search for a representative had spread like fire through the camps. He prayed that others would volunteer; he prayed that the council would accept; he knew it would not be.

Hope had sprung to life again in those that had settled their account with death. People were looking for life, and in their search they became far more prudent and patient then they had in the waging of the war. Had the council displayed true leadership at that time, perhaps the war would not have turned this way. The faithful soldier that he was, he had obeyed his mind and duty once again. Always reasoning, and never allowing his heart to guide him. He would forsake what he wanted most to provide that which others desired less. He would bring peace for all, and lose his family for it.

He had set out with a dozen of the imperial guard. Prior to the war, a dozen would have seemed a mere insult, but now, in this hour, a dozen seemed extravagant. The refugees lined the caverns as they proceeded to the exit— people crying, people praying, people thanking.

They had crossed into the mountains on their fourth day. They did not know this terrain and so were forced to rely upon the map provided by the Grakesh. Despite his initial hesitation the Grakesh map proved incredibly detailed and accurate. His father having been a cartographer, he found great appreciation for these intricacies. With the map, they progressed quickly. As they reached the mountain’s peak, half of the guard returned to inform the council of their progress. Ideally, they would be arriving within a few days. By that time, the treaty would be sealed.

As the mountain pass began to flatten, the black marsh lay before them. The bite of the marsh fly meant death – usually within the week. It was not a painful death; though it did create a gradual dulling of the senses. Though his guard had sworn to protect and follow till the end, they had hinted at their ploys from the beginning. They spoke of being prepared for all possibilities. What if the Grakesh had set a trap? What if the plan did not go accordingly? Should seven of the most courageous warriors die when only one was needed? He did not know if they would have kept their oath, had he not released them from it. They feigned sorrow, refusing to deny his release – at first. Then they left him alone. He alone would bring peace.

The marsh was drying now. The stony ground ahead bit into his feet. The marsh had worn his boots into nothing more than a thin covering. With the glint of sunlight streaming through the thick fog, Elrich discarded his torch: a bit of nature and life for him to experience before his despairing end. He paused only a moment to remember what he was losing, but then cleared his mind and continued ahead. According to the Grakesh general the Council of the Sun lay only two miles ahead.

Elrich plodded on. He would not allow the poison of the marsh fly to dull him any more than necessary before he approached this Council. He now represented all the nations before this invading army and he would fulfill his duty as it lay before him. He attempted to brush the grime from his traveler’s clothes, and straightened his back. He would bring peace to the land.

Grakesh guards appeared sooner than he had expected, but he was pleased for the sign of life. They came from the rocks, and escorted him closely. He fell-in between them. His body had begun to feel weak, and it was a small comfort to march in step again. He understood that their duty was twofold: to protect him and to protect others from him. He was not surprised, nor was he worried. He was not there to fight. He would bring peace.

The council was not what he had expected. He was lead up a short mountain pass into an open cave mouth. Twelve Grakesh warriors stood in a semi circle looking out over the dark land. He stood straight and strong before them. They appeared hardened, but he was prepared, and so he spoke,

“I have come to offer peace. Our peoples have battled valiantly. We have lost, and you have lost. We desire peace, and so I come to offer to you.”

Their faces gave no response, and so Erlich waited. He was a soldier, and he would remain calm awaiting their response. After a moment, what appeared to be an elderly Grakesh spoke,

“We hear you, and we acknowledge your offer of peace. We desire that our peoples coexist. Our peoples have been plagued, and our seers told us of only one way to be cured. We must find the temple of an ancient god and bring before him our gifts. We seek your help in finding aid. Will you lend this help in exchange for peace?”

Elrich allowed himself only an inward sigh. His body felt heavy, and his mind had begun to slow, but he had forced himself to grip reality until he had brought peace. Now, only a few moments away, and his child would be forever safe from the tragedies of this war. He spoke,

“I do know of this temple, and if you will provide the materials I will draw a map where your people may be healed.”

He thought he had seen the slightest glimmer of satisfaction cross the face of the Grakesh, but it was gone in a moment and he was beginning to doubt his senses. It was nothing. He was bringing peace.

They laid the materials before him, and he forced himself to clear his mind. He represented the nations and so his map would be as detailed as theirs had been. He designated every landmark and noted every danger. His father had taught him well. This map would have impressed the most ardent cartographers. He had done it; he had brought peace. He laid the map before them,

“I do lay this map before you as a sign of peace between our– “

As he spoke, he saw a blade come through his chest, and he sank to the ground. He panted and began to choke. Though his mind was struggling to cling to reality, he heard voices,

“Get this map to Taopold and tell him to attack immediately. They are weak and ready to be exterminated.”

“Did we get the second six that had returned?”

“Yes. They were quick to die. If they were among the best these weak nations has to offer, it should be over within a week.”

Elrich wondered what it meant. He wondered why he could now only see the ceiling of this dark cave. What of his wife, and child? His child would grow to hear of his heroism. He would eventually understand why his father was not there for him. He would understand duty and honor. His child would grow, see the sun, taste fruit, marry and have children.

He had brought peace.